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I tried for fifteen years to accept and embrace the larger me. I have a huge collection of body acceptance books bought over the years, and I tried and tried to love myself as a large woman. I just couldn't get over one of my worst fears being that I would continue to gain weight until I weighed three hundred pounds.
But I also knew that I couldn't go on a diet because diets don't work, and they especially don't work for me. The only diet I ever went on was the low fat diet, and after being on that diet I ended up with cravings that were unfamiliar to me. I have always loved carbohydrates, but I was never a fan of sweets, like cookies and donuts. After the low fat diet I was. Looking back, I suspect it is because they contain a high amount of fat and my body was desperate for fats.
I honestly thought I had no choice but to remain overweight since the mere thought of going on a diet caused me to overeat. Even the thought of restricting foods caused me to scarf down foods faster.
I spent the first two decades of my life being naturally slender. Then I started to gain weight, several pounds a year. It was a slow process, and I was grateful for that. I was glad I wasn't gaining ten pounds a month, or fifty pounds a year, but I was very unhappy about my size.
It got to the point in the last year that I stopped looking at my reflection in mirrors and windows, because I couldn't bear to see how distorted my image had become. It was easier looking away.
When I looked into GAPS for my husband's sake, with hopes to cure his ulcerative colitis, I never dreamed what the diet could do for me. I remember my main interest in GAPS was to alleviate the depression and fatigue. I was so miserable back then. I cried a lot and I had found what a help that Kava Kava was for the stress I felt and the anxiety, and I had started to take it almost daily. Sometimes I took Kava Kava several times a day to help soothe the stressful feelings I was having.
Thankfully I experienced two very big changes within two weeks of starting GAPS. My feet stopped hurting and my back stopped stiffening at night, so that I could finally get a good night's sleep without having to nap during the day. These two things made such an impact on me that I found myself willing to stay on GAPS for the rest of my life if necessary. My Grandpa had painful feet and it hurt to watch him hobble around on his poor crippled up feet. I figured that was something I had no control over, I figured it was just my destiny. I'd been to the doctor and was given a diagnosis of plantar fasciitis and some shoe inserts. I had to wear these ugly men's casual wear shoes that had a lovely thick cushioned sole.
I shunned the height weight charts for such a long time that I'm not even sure what I should weigh. Okay, I just looked at one that says to measure the two prominent bones in your elbow to determine if you have a small, medium or large frame. I have a medium frame, and the chart says I should weigh between 124 and 138. I have been back down to 124 at age 30, when I did the low fat diet. I was much too thin, so I would probably never want to go below 138.
I don't feel like I'm overweight now at 177, but if I continue to lose weight eating this way, that will be okay with me.
I'm still not too worried about how much I weigh, but it is helpful to know what is “normal” for my size.
Something else I worry about is gaining the weight back. I feel pretty certain that will happen if I ever start eating like I did before GAPS. I think I will need to avoid pasta and bread and most carbohydrates for the rest of my life.
It's worth it. I'm especially enjoying being able to wear my cute fashionable boots.