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Last week at work, I realized that my mind was clear. I didn't want to get my hopes up, thinking it was just a one or two day thing, or just my imagination. But for days now I have felt like my mind is clear. I am able to concentrate, I'm not fumbling for words when I talk, I am actually catching up on tasks at work and home that I've been falling behind on.
My boss even made a comment to me about how I need to stop being so efficient!
I slept 10 hours last night. It has been hard to get up in the morning each day this past week. We switched milking from afternoon to morning, which means on my work days I have to now get up at 3:30 and get right out and milk. I seem to be able to tolerate getting up at 4:15, but 3:30 is just danged hard. Last night I felt so exhausted so I was in bed by 7:30. Asleep by 8, for sure and slept through the night (got up 2-3 times to pee) and finally got up at 6:15. The times I got up, I was only up for a few minutes and went right back to sleep. I have been sleeping very well in the last week.
I am happy to report I have finally been able to get off fruit. I guess I just needed to give myself persimmons, excuse me I mean permission to have fruit if I wanted it, and that made it easier for me to avoid it. Today will be the third day without fruit. I told myself that I just want to make it through one day at a time without fruit. That is my goal, and hopefully I can stretch several days together.
I feel that I need to cut down on fruit, nuts, nut butter and almond flour in order to make more progress with weight loss. Remember I never wanted this diet to be about losing weight. So I am in direct conflict with myself. I want to lose weight, but I don't want this to be “I'm on this diet TO LOSE WEIGHT.” If that makes sense.
I guess if I'm just on GAPS to lose weight, that makes me vain. My connotation of vain equates to my being just an airhead and all I care about is what my body looks like.
GAPS is much more than that to me. I think weight loss is a sign that my body is recovering. I no longer experience bloating, my ankles and fingers have not been swollen since beginning GAPS. I did not have bloating and swelling constantly before GAPS, but it would come occasionally. Sometimes my ankles would be really swollen, hugely swollen. Like I had sprained my ankle. It used to worry me quite a bit, so it is a relief that I no longer have this symptom to worry about.
This latest sign of healing – mental clarity – is a fantastic reward for doing GAPS. It makes the deprivation worthwhile.
Some days I just feel a little sad about the loss of “normal” food. For example, my hubby and I went to Costco yesterday afternoon. Of all the things in that store, there are so many that I cannot have. I ended up getting one five pound bag of organic green beans. Pre-GAPS, I might have splurged on a piece of pizza at their food area, or maybe even one of the low fat yogurt sundaes with strawberries.
Not one thing in their food court is legal for me on GAPS. Not one thing. I received a birthday meal coupon for Black Angus, and I can eat steak, thank goodness I'm not trying to limit my meat to grass fed organic, or I wouldn't even have that option. But what else? A plain salad with olive oil and I'd have to bring my own apple cider vinegar. What fun is that?
I truly am one of those people who lived to eat, instead of the other way around, eating to live.
I am not going to church camp this year, one of the reasons being, What will I eat? I cannot eat from the camp cafeteria. Last year my son and I went together and we chose to go to restaurants in the area. Well, I can't do that this year. I am scheduled to attend a conference for work this year. In past years, the lunches have been grand and delicious, and they always have one night where they feed us like kings. What will I do this year? Bring my jar of sauerkraut to the meal while everyone else dines on all the foods I can't eat?
“Healthy” foods used to be things like tacos with corn tortillas, whole wheat bun with deli meat, corn chips with bean dip, I used to think eating at Panda Express was healthy! I used to think pizza was healthy. I used to think Taco Bell was better than Jack in the Box. But now all these places and foods are not legal for me.
I can't even have fruit and nuts. But that is my own imposed restrictions, in attempt to lose more weight.
I wonder if my body, once I am down to a smaller size, will regulate itself so that I can have fruits and nuts and stay at the same size. That is my hope.
I am thankful that my mind is clear once again. As I said, the deprivation is worth it. I am not totally sad or depressed, I just feel wistful at times.
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