Day 160 – Mental Clarity

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Last week at work, I realized that my mind was clear.  I didn't want to get my hopes up, thinking it was just a one or two day thing, or just my imagination. But for days now I have felt like my mind is clear. I am able to concentrate, I'm not fumbling for words when I talk, I am actually catching up on tasks at work and home that I've been falling behind on.

My boss even made a comment to me about how I need to stop being so efficient!

I slept 10 hours last night.  It has been hard to get up in the morning each day this past week.  We switched milking from afternoon to morning, which means on my work days I have to now get up at 3:30 and get right out and milk.  I seem to be able to tolerate getting up at 4:15, but 3:30 is just danged hard.  Last night I felt so exhausted so I was in bed by 7:30. Asleep by 8, for sure and slept through the night (got up 2-3 times to pee) and finally got up at 6:15.  The times I got up, I was only up for a few minutes and went right back to sleep.  I have been sleeping very well in the last week.

I am happy to report I have finally been able to get off fruit. I guess I just needed to give myself persimmons, excuse me I mean permission to have fruit if I wanted it, and that made it easier for me to avoid it.  Today will be the third day without fruit. I told myself that I just want to make it through one day at a time without fruit. That is my goal, and hopefully I can stretch several days together.

I feel that I need to cut down on fruit, nuts, nut butter and almond flour [affiliate link] in order to make more progress with weight loss.  Remember I never wanted this diet to be about losing weight.  So I am in direct conflict with myself. I want to lose weight, but I don't want this to be “I'm on this diet TO LOSE WEIGHT.” If that makes sense.

I guess if I'm just on GAPS to lose weight, that makes me vain.  My connotation of vain equates to my being just an airhead and all I care about is what my body looks like.

GAPS is much more than that to me. I think weight loss is a sign that my body is recovering.  I no longer experience bloating, my ankles and fingers have not been swollen since beginning GAPS.  I did not have bloating and swelling constantly before GAPS, but it would come occasionally. Sometimes my ankles would be really swollen, hugely swollen. Like I had sprained my ankle. It used to worry me quite a bit, so it is a relief that I no longer have this symptom to worry about.

This latest sign of healing – mental clarity – is a fantastic reward for doing GAPS. It makes the deprivation worthwhile.

Some days I just feel a little sad about the loss of “normal” food.  For example, my hubby and I went to Costco yesterday afternoon.  Of all the things in that store, there are so many that I cannot have.  I ended up getting one five pound bag of organic green beans.  Pre-GAPS, I might have splurged on a piece of pizza at their food area, or maybe even one of the low fat yogurt sundaes with strawberries.

Not one thing in their food court is legal for me on GAPS.  Not one thing.  I received a birthday meal coupon for Black Angus, and I can eat steak, thank goodness I'm not trying to limit my meat to grass fed organic, or I wouldn't even have that option.  But what else?  A plain salad with olive oil and I'd have to bring my own apple cider vinegar.  What fun is that?

I truly am one of those people who lived to eat, instead of the other way around, eating to live.

I am not going to church camp this year, one of the reasons being, What will I eat?  I cannot eat from the camp cafeteria.  Last year my son and I went together and we chose to go to restaurants in the area. Well, I can't do that this year.  I am scheduled to attend a conference for work this year. In past years, the lunches have been grand and delicious, and they always have one night where they feed us like kings. What will I do this year?  Bring my jar of sauerkraut to the meal while everyone else dines on all the foods I can't eat?

“Healthy” foods used to be things like tacos with corn tortillas, whole wheat bun with deli meat, corn chips with bean dip, I used to think eating at Panda Express was healthy!  I used to think pizza was healthy. I used to think Taco Bell was better than Jack in the Box. But now all these places and foods are not legal for me.

I can't even have fruit and nuts.  But that is my own imposed restrictions, in attempt to lose more weight.

I wonder if my body, once I am down to a smaller size, will regulate itself so that I can have fruits and nuts and stay at the same size.  That is my hope.

I am thankful that my mind is clear once again.  As I said, the deprivation is worth it.  I am not totally sad or depressed, I just feel wistful at times.

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5 comments to Day 160 – Mental Clarity

  • Tara Marie

    Hi, Starlene! Just wanted to say I enjoy reading about your journey. I’m about halfway behind you (Day 88 on GAPS intro) so it’s kind of nice for me to see what’s ahead.
    Just wanted to comment that I so empathize with the whole “social issue” of GAPS. Last weekend I went to a wedding and sat there starving as everyone ate dinner around me. There was yummy candy on the table and not one thing that I could eat from the buffet dinner. I knew this would be the case so I had some nuts and snacks but it was dinnertime and I was hungry for DINNER. Really, am I going to sit there chewing on homemade beef jerky in my pretty dress at a nice sit-down dinner? LOL. I felt weird. I ate before I left the house but by the time they served dinner it had already been a few hours and guess what? I was hungry!
    It’s certainly not easy. Tonight I’m going to the movies with some girlfriends. This will be my 3rd or 4th movie since GAPS and I’ve gotten pretty good at just bringing my healthy snacks for the movie but it doesn’t mean its easy when you get a whiff of Red Vines or popcorn, (two of my old faves!) It can make you irritable and grumpy, I know.
    I don’t really know the solution to this. I just keep telling myself that it will all be worth it someday and that I’m making good decisions consistently, daily, and making sacrifices NOW so that one day I may be able to have an occasional slice of pizza or a piece of candy. It’s not even that I crave this stuff anymore- I really love GAPS food and most of the time feel quite satiated. I hope to continue to eat mostly within these guidelines for the rest of my life. You know, traditionally: limited (soaked) grains, lots of veggies, good fats, some fruit, etc. But that doesn’t mean that it’s easy.
    I think it has a lot to do with feeling left out, or feeling like a misfit, since NO ONE has heard of GAPS, ever! It makes you feel isolated and alone at times. And grumpy or resentful. It might be easier if I had someone on it with me. It’s difficult to do anything “normal” like spend the day with the family at an amusement park or something. Or travel- which I have loved in the past. Anyway, I’m rambling now. But I just wanted to let you know that even though it feels like we’re alone- it helps to know that there are others out there, like you and me, who understand and can commiserate. In fact, whenever I feel like I am missing out on life, I remind myself that there are MANY people out there who are doing this EVERY day too, and that we will all be the better for it! AND I remind myself that even though a few years seems like a long time, in the grand scheme of life, it is a temporary sacrifice that is WORTH IT! So I may not get to travel so much for the next couple of years, or go to events that I would like to. That indeed makes me sad, but I have to tell myself- it’s not FOREVER! One day we will stand out as HEALTH SUPERSTARS and take on the WORLD!!! Haha!

    All the best to you, Starlene! Keep up the brilliant work!

    [Reply]

    Starlene Reply:

    Tara Marie: OH MY GOSH. It is such a wonderful affirmation from you to hear that you can totally relate and know what I’m going through. I have been to a wedding while on GAPS in March, on Intro nowhere near raw veggies so there was absolutely nothing for me to eat. Next weekend, it’s a baby shower. I am certain it will be easier for me, since baby showers are much less formal, so I can probably get by with bringing food with me. I already have practice going to movies and buying no food – I have a good friend who works at a theatre so movies with her are free and she is always on Weight Watchers so we always eat dinner first, then the movie. I have not seen her in about a year and a half, and I don’t know how we’ll go out and eat dinner first, when I can’t eat dinner anywhere!! Yikes! Thank you for all your words of wisdom and thank you for the encouragement. I really appreciate it and good luck on your GAPS journey, too! I look forward to reading more from you. Best, Starlene

    [Reply]

  • Tara Marie

    Aw, I’m so happy that you were encouraged by the comment. We GAPSters need to stick together. I totally understand what you are going through- I’m right there with you. We will get through the tough times. At least we are seeing improvement.
    Congratulations on the mental clarity, by the way! I’m looking forward to getting there, too. :o)

    [Reply]

  • Kat

    Hi Starlene, I was on vacation and just catching up on your posts. I was actually noticing lately your posts have been so well written but I couldn’t put my finger on what changed. Then I saw this post and aha! Mental Clarity. It’s showing through in your blog, in your writing, in your organization of your thoughts. I’m so glad you’re seeing so much success on GAPS. Keep it up!

    [Reply]

    Starlene Reply:

    Kat, thank you, this is very encouraging to hear! I am really feeling the effects at work – I’m getting caught up because I’m able to concentrate and not getting sidetracked as easily. I was starting to think I had ADD there for a while! I remember that I felt more sidetracked for a while, and then this past week I noticed everything seemed brighter and clearer. Like getting new glasses! Thank you for your comment, I read it to my husband and he was really impressed to hear that it is even obvious to others in my writing.

    [Reply]

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