Day 33

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My husband asked me if I've lost weight again this evening. I told him I didn't know, he knows I don't get on the scale. He wanted to see what I weighed, and I told him he'd have to ask our son how much I weigh because I didn't want to know when I stepped on the scale a couple of weeks back.

(Just for the record, my husband has never cared one iota about my size, and I love him dearly for accepting me for being me. )

Of course the scale chose that moment to go dead, but first it started talking, saying, “I'm ready.”  Well, I didn't want it to TELL me how much I weighed, so we turned off the speaker after putting in new batteries.

My husband had me step on and off the scale four times. I don't know if he was checking to make sure it was working. Then he exclaimed, “Are you SURE you weren't wearing 10 pounds of change in your pockets last time?”

AGH!  I could feel the “diet head” inside me squealing with joy.  I don't want to make this about losing weight. Although I would dearly love to lose weight. I could stand to lose at least 65 pounds if not more.  I know the last time *I* knew what the scale said, it was 225. And I am pretty sure I've gained at least 10 pounds since then.  Once I had my babies, I got down to my prepregnancy weight of 125 and I looked too thin. I  think I would look perfect at 160, even though I am only 5'4″.  I am blessed genetically with muscular thighs and buttocks, even though I am not an athlete. Of course this muscle weighs more, so I look thinner than I weigh. When I weighed 125, people couldn't believe I weighed a pound over 100 or 110.

There is a part of me that wants to know if I've lost weight and how much, and yet I don't want to satisfy that curiosity because I don't want to make it about weight. I want to eat to be healthy, to stop feeling depressed, to have joy in life. To have energy and feel alive, instead of just wanting to sleep all the time and veg in front of the computer.

Speaking of sleep, I have to get to bed soon.

I had another rough night last night.  We have four dogs, but only one comes inside at night. I insist on it. The other three dogs have longer coats and fur, but he's got short hair. Anyway, he thinks he's a big boy and can go out with the girls when they start barking. I didn't want him going out at 11pm, so I growled at him and insisted that he lie down. He sighed but obeyed, only to jump up 15 minutes later.  Again I growled, insisted. He complied, but not 15 minutes later he was up again.  Finally I got up and let him go out. I know, I know. I shouldn't have given in and usually don't, but I needed to get back to sleep!   I'd only had 3.5 hours sleep by that time.

I felt hungry when I got up, so had an avocado. Then I remembered a bill I had to get paid, so I wrote out a check and got it ready to mail. Then I remembered another bill I should pay online and turned on the computer to do that. Next I discovered some weirdness going on in our checking account, so I downloaded the statement and reconciled the account.

By 2:30am I was hungry again and heated up the leftover green beans with some butter and was eating them when my dh got up for the day (he's an early, early, EARLY riser) and asked me what was I doing up. I told him I couldn't sleep and then I went back to bed for 90 minutes and had to get up and get ready for work.

One of my new GAPS friends suggested I try five almonds before going to sleep, I may try that just to see if it would help tonight.

I usually don't have huge problems with insomnia.  It is also “that time” for me so my hormones will act up during this time.  I have insomnia maybe once or twice a month, if that.  Usually.

A friend asked me today if I'm losing weight. I told her I honestly didn't know. My pants and belt are still fitting as they did in the waist. But when they slowly sink down (bad style of pants for my body) they usually ride high on my hips, but now they are straddling my hip bones.

My stomach feels like the skin is much looser, whereas in the past it has felt taut against the fat.

My friend asked me if I thought this (GAPS) was working for me, and I told her again about my feet, and how huge that was for me.  I can stand for hours in the kitchen and no pain!  That alone is worth it!

One more thing I have been thinking about. I used to suspect that I had a problem with candida.   If I have candida, shouldn't I be experiencing cravings?  I am eating some citrus and some fruits, but I wouldn't say I'm craving them.

Food report: Breakfast, dh warmed up broth. So delicious, I love that he does that for me, it is such a nice start to the morning.  I mentioned my lunch earlier.  For dinner I put together some meatloaf-style meatballs. I used about one pound of ground beef, with 1/2 an onion chopped, 1/2 a green bell pepper chopped, 1 teaspoon onion powder, 1 teaspoon garlic powder, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon pepper, 2 small carrots grated.  I browned the meatballs, then poured water into the skillet until it was an inch deep, put a lid on and cooked for about 20 minutes or so. Dh thought they were pretty good.

I also tried these pancakes from Grain-Free Foodies, but shame shame didn't follow the recipe exactly and ended up with some mushy something. I thought it was halfway tasty, dh didn't care of it much at all. He said he doesn't like cinnamon. It tastes a little bit like pumpkin pie to me, so I will save it for leftovers.

I had better get to bed. I am so thankful it's the weekend. I have a lot of work to get done this weekend though I wish I could just spend the weekend writing blog posts. I still have so much to say!

Until tomorrow when we meet again…

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