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I've hit a bad patch again. Monday I was stressed out and got triggered. You know what I mean by triggered? It's a word we use in our family for when we find ourselves overly freaked out over a current situation that isn't really that bad and then after sitting down and thinking about it we realize there was a past event that was very stressful and the memories of that old event are brought up.
It helps to tell myself this isn't the same situation as it was back then, this is different, you know how to get through this situation now, so use the tools you have learned and everything is going to be okay. But it doesn't completely eliminate the feelings. It's like a fight between my logical brain and my subconscious. My logical brain wants me to snap out of it, recognize this isn't the past, this isn't the same situation. But sometimes it only helps a little bit to reassure myself of that, and I know getting so stressed out is a hit to my adrenals.
I can sometimes get a deep feeling of dread as if “someone” is coming to get me and take me away. I took half the day off on Monday because I just wasn't feeling well. I finally remembered to take some Kava Kava to help take the edge off the stressful feelings. I was tired and I just couldn't stay up until bedtime which is 6:30pm for me on work nights. So I unmade my bed and crawled in for a nap and slept from 3pm to 5pm. Then of course there was no way I could try to get to sleep at 6:30pm and ended up staying up past 10pm.
I went to bed at 9pm but just laid there. Anyway, I have to get up at 3:30am and didn't get enough sleep. That compounded the awful feelings I was having, and then the low level depression feeling that I used to have most of the time before starting GAPS crept in.
Tuesday morning on the way to work I was really feeling exhausted, and also upset about a situation involving my job (unrelated to the triggering event). Last week was nuts what with the event and I knew this week wasn't going to be any easier.
I ended up getting into a confrontation with a coworker. It was brief. I only said one sentence and one was fired back at me.
It was enough to tip me over emotionally. Thank God my boss is an understanding woman. I found her and asked her to look me up when she got a chance, she has known me long enough to see that I was not doing well so she got up right away and we went to her office.
I started crying almost immediately. I hate when the tears flow like that. At least I wasn't sobbing out loud. I uttered the name of the coworker, and my boss immediately understood. I mean, at least she knew what this was about, it wasn't something life threatening like someone in my family died or something.
Anyway, after I talked to her for awhile I felt much better. But I really felt exhausted and drained after that. I ended up leaving work half an hour early and made a vow to get into bed early. I did get into bed by 6:30 and slept fairly well throughout the night. I finally got up at 3:35 so I could get out and milk and leave for work.
I was tired driving to work.
One positive thing I can say here is before GAPS, I would have had to drink coffee (just a few ounces) in order to continue through the day without falling asleep at my desk. Now when I get tired I can cope. My coworker and I avoided each other for the day and I'm sure this will blow over.
On the way home I was tired and felt like I was going to fall asleep several times on my hour long drive.
I haven't felt tired like this in a long time. I was planning to visit my friend who had triplets recently on Friday, but now I'm thinking maybe I had better just stay home and try to take it real easy.
I'm thinking the event took a lot more out of me than I thought that it did, and just laid the groundwork for my being stressed out even more about the other two incidents.
On the bright side, I made some chicken soup on Monday and the resulting soup is just so darned delicious. I have been having a cup for breakfast and then another cup at break at work and I had a bowl for supper tonight.
I roasted the two chickens first, then used the drippings in the soup. Between the two chickens there were three hearts (I love heart) and two livers. I brought the livers with me yesterday and ate them at work. I kind of pretended that I was devouring them as if I loved them. LOL. They weren't actually too bad, I just wish I liked them more.
I don't know why the soup tastes so delicious to me. Maybe because I haven't had broth for some time (maybe even two-three or four weeks!). It is just a typical chicken soup that we make, with onions, celery, carrots, sliced mushrooms and sliced cabbage. Hmmm… I wonder if I am enjoying it so much because I didn't put the chicken in there this time. Sometimes meat tastes gross to me the day after it's been warmed a second time.
“Because liquid smoke also functions as an antioxidant, it prevents warmed-over flavor (WOF) in products. WOF, common in cooked meat that is not consumed immediately, is caused by lipid oxidation reactions. Sensory and analytical studies indicated that the smoke eliminated WOF in ground beef patties.”
I have not used this product, but it was discussed on one of the lists I was on and looks to have natural ingredients, except for the caramel color.
Anyway, I just thought it was interesting to learn there is actually an official term for that nasty taste of rewarmed meat. I'm one of those weirdos that doesn't really care for leftover turkey sandwiches because the meat “tastes dead”. 😉 Well, that's how I always termed it.
But back to the soup. I sometimes prefer to add the chicken separately, or just have a chicken vegetable soup.
Not too many more days until I step on the scale again. I find myself looking forward to it, not dreading it, but just curious. Especially since I've gone from size 16 to 14 jeans this month. I'm still wearing the size 16s. They are somewhat baggy but they are practically new so I want to get some more wear out of them.
Well, it's 6:26pm. I guess I should head to bed. The sun is still shining brightly outside. I don't mind. I love beating the sun to bed.
Today at work one of our volunteers asked me, “Don't you EVER cheat [on your diet]?” and my boss was there and said, “No, she is VERY faithful to that diet.” She said it in a proud way, and then pointed to my body and said, “And it shows!”
Again, I should get off this computer and get into bed.
Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Oh, I have some kind of bites on my legs. I think mosquito. But I don't know how they could get into my bedroom to bite me. I wake up with two or three new bites. I have to put tea tree oil on the bites to keep from scratching my skin off.
Really this time. Night.