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I have to keep telling myself it’s not about my weight.

And I’m having some trouble making my daily reports, because I want to be encouraging to people regarding GAPS. I don’t want to be grumpy, or tired, or depressed. And my thumbs are still hurting. I haven’t even begun to address the possibility of removing all traces of corn from my diet. Oh my goodness me. That would be difficult since I’m not even eating organic foods.

As I mentioned in an earlier focus, darn it, that’s the second time I wrote “focus” but meant to write post. Let me try again. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I feel as if I’m losing focus. It started while we were on vacation. While at the hotel. While indulging in and enjoying fruit. Immensely. I felt wealthy beyond words at being able to eat fruit. I have never liked fruit so much in my life. I don’t seem to crave it, but it is such a treat.

I am feeling so worried that I have gained ten pounds. I keep thinking I’m going to wake up Tuesday morning, put my jeans on and find that they don’t fit. I was just in the size 14 jeans last Thursday, how could I have gained ten pounds over four days? I mean, sure if I were binging like mad while not vomiting, maybe I could gain five pounds.

I think I am going to have to recommit to removing honey [affiliate link], fruit and nuts from my diet for a while. I would like to say for the month of October.

I came across this video on YouTube Living in Our Vans – USA. I just watched it.

I’m thankful that I’m not homeless. I don’t know how you could do GAPS if you were homeless.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I learned in the past that having too many carbs, or honey or fruit caused me to eat more. But it is easy to fall back on the temptation to eat these foods that are so tasty.

My husband’s birthday was over the weekend and I made the chocolate almond flour cake for him. He was so happy to see it. But who do you think ate most of it? Me, that’s right. And chocolate is not legal on GAPS. This morning there was about 1/6th of the cake left, I made a double layer, and I ate all that was left. One slice at a time, going back to the freezer for another slice.

I was eating and eating today. And I’m sure it’s due to the additional carbohydrates. I need to get serious again, and recommit myself. The holidays are coming up, and I need to be strong. At least I’m not cheating with pasta and bread, chocolate bars and candy and dairy products… speaking of dairy products, my sinuses have really been clogged lately. And I have not been getting dairy, so it must be the time of the years.

I am off my asthma medication, so that makes me happy.

But my thumbs still hurt, and that upsets me more than I can say. I feel scared that they hurt. I’m having to relearn how to pick things up, how to pull my clothing on and off, how to fasten my bra, opening jars, pressing garlic, using a knife. Thankfully I have no pain while at the computer.

But it worries me.

I wonder if eating fruit could cause problems. I read on a blog somewhere that nuts can cause inflammation. Maybe it is the nuts. I made this nutty concoction with coconut chips (long strips of coconut flakes [affiliate link]), cashews, butter and honey. It tasted very much like Cracker Jacks. And I was pigging out on that. I finally made myself eat a cucumber today with vinegar and salt on it, just to stop myself from eating the nutty concoction.

I wish I could just relax and do full GAPS, after all that’s pretty much what I’m doing. But I don’t want to stop losing weight. I was at 187 at the beginning of the month, and I am really stressing out about stepping on the scale. Will I see that I’ve gained weight next Friday morning? I hope not.

I am up late tonight. I got six hours sleep last night, I was up until midnight the previous night. Then I worked from home today, and it was hard to get through. I wasn’t wanting to do it. But I made myself, and finally I was able to leave my computer and I went to bed and took a nap. A three and a half hour nap. I slept from 3:30pm to 7pm. Well, of course then I was hungry and no longer tired so I got up. Thankfully my husband had made dinner. He made baked chicken and broccoli with mushrooms.

Anyway, I have to get up early in the morning, and I am going to take another detox bath tonight so I had better get off this computer.

‘Night.

A couple of weekends ago I wrote about my husband visiting a family friend who is practically homeless for the living conditions. I spoke with that family member’s mother yesterday about the sadness of the situation. The family member has been living that way for many years, and she just doesn’t know what to do.

I told her I was positive this person needs GAPS. If I remember correctly, this family member (let’s call him Roger) was on antibiotics for acne in his teen years. It is nearly guaranteed that gut dysbiosis resulted at that time and Roger has never been the same since.

It is nearly impossible to persuade a rational person to try GAPS (oh, there is no way I could do GAPS!), let alone someone who isn’t thinking rationally. Homeless people live on the sidewalk outside my job. It is sad to see them there, but what can be done? It makes a person feel helpless and at a loss to know what can be done.

It wouldn’t do any good to institutionalize a homeless person, unless the institution was going to address their gut dysbiosis with diet. Baden wrote about the mental problems and homeless people in GAPS Guide.

If your gut isn’t digesting properly, it really doesn’t matter how healthy your diet. And it would be impossible to eat a GAPS diet while living on the street.

I wish I could do something, but what?

I’ve been unable to persuade my own husband to do GAPS. He is not willing to give up “normal” food. I’m telling you it’s not really that bad once you get over feeling sad about not being able to eat pretend food.

Which I want to report is getting easier and easier all the time. The holidays are approaching and there will be lots of food to avoid and I feel stronger than ever in my conviction to stay firmly on GAPS.

A few days ago I actually made my son a loaf of bread in the breadmaker. That is a huge milestone! Fresh baked bread slathered with butter has always been one of my favorites, but I was able to make that loaf without any temptation whatsoever. Speaking of holidays and bread… my youngest son said he wants us to have a traditional holiday dinner at Thanksgiving. I told him that was fine, but he will need to cook it. He has done so in the past, so I don’t doubt that he will be able to undertake the task. I just don’t feel like cooking for six hours only to not be able to eat 95% of the food which we usually have for Thanksgiving.

I will; however, be looking for some good substitutes for my favorites. I’ll be able to have the turkey, and I can make Faux-tatoes, I can make the drop biscuits with almond flour [affiliate link] from Elena’s Pantry’s cookbook.

Speaking of Elana’s Pantry, here are some holiday-ish recipes I want to try (minor tweaks required for GAPS legality)

• Vegan Eggnog Sub honey [affiliate link] for agave and yacon syrups
• Pumpkin Custard Sub honey for agave and use eggs [affiliate link] instead of agar flakes

Some other recipes I want to try from GAPS bloggers:

• Pecan Glazed Butternut Squash Pudding from Grain Free Foodies – GAPS blogger, so GAPS legal!
• Thanksgiving Menu Ideas from Grain Free Foodies
• Peanut Butter Brownies from Grain Free Foodies
• Peanut Butter Pie from Grain Free Foodies
• Spiced Steamed Milk from Grain Free Foodies
• Pumpkin Pie Pudding from Kat’s Food Blog

Seems I’m hungry for pumpkin [affiliate link]… those yummy carbs.

I am less than a week away from stepping on the scale again. My head has been messed up this month since I have been eating fruit and ate that whole carrot cake I have felt like I may not lose weight. And once again doing GAPS isn’t about losing weight, but I find myself wanting to see weight loss as a gauge that I am doing the right thing and eating properly. I think as long as I continue to eat GAPS and not pig out, I should drop another 40 pounds. I’m 5’4″ and that would put me at 147 pounds.

As you can see I’m posting in the middle of the night. I was so tired last night. I took a detox bath (baking soda [affiliate link]) and sat there and soaked for over half an hour. Then I crawled into bed just after 7pm and slept until 10pm. Usually if I go to bed at 7pm I’m able to sleep through the night. Thankfully I don’t have to get up early tomorrow morning.

I think I will go to bed now though.

How are you doing on your GAPS journey? Any exciting holiday type recipes you are planning to try over the holidays?

I should tell you that I had way too many carbohydrates weekend before last. Not that I’m limiting my carbs, it’s just that I have learned that eating high carb foods causes me to be more hungry and I end up eating more, and then I don’t lose much weight.

Earlier this week I shared the modified version of the carrot cake recipe that I made. It was so delicious and divine that I ended up eating the entire batch within three days. It is becoming so obvious to me how sensitive I am to carbs. How does my body know when foods are so high in carbohydrates?

I can tell because I want to eat a lot of the high carb item. I keep wanting to go back for more. If the food is not high in carbs, there is no desire or longing for it. One of my coworkers asked if it wasn’t just because I’m not letting myself eat that kind of food, because I’m denying myself. I don’t think so because I notice this craving/binging behavior with all high carb foods. It’s quite an obvious thing that happens.

Like the cravings I had for the carrot cake muffins… I ate one, and then before I knew it I had eaten four, hot out of the oven. Slathered in butter no less! I was a bit horrified when I went to Calorie Count and did a recipe analysis and discovered I’d consumed almost 4000 extra calories since I ate nearly every muffin myself in three days!

I also bought frozen lima beans because they looked so yummy… and they turned out yummy the way I cooked them. I’ve never made lima beans like this before. They were frozen and I put the entire 12 ounces into a pan of hot water to help them to unthaw just a bit. While they were in the hot water I melted about a tablespoon of butter in a cast iron skillet and heated it until the butter was bubbly. Then I drained the lima beans and added them to the skillet and sauteed them for a while. They ended up getting just a little bit browned and crispy in some places and oh my goodness they were so delicious.

Did you guess, or I bet you already know. They are high in carbs, too. 18 grams of carbs in one half cup serving, and I ate the entire bag myself. 12 ounces = 2 cups = 72 grams of carbs.

I wondered if I ended up eating so many high carb foods because of the rough weekend I had what with my husband being away and our cat passing.

I don’t think I was.

But I do know that I’ll need to limit my intake of lima beans and carrot cake if I have any hopes of losing weight this month. I did notice that my pants seemed a bit snugger around the waistline. Well, duh. Consume an additional 1000 calories a day, what do I expect?

This weekend I did a little better than last, except for the fruit I ended up eating. I really don’t know what has gotten into me. It seems as if I am losing my grip somehow. It seems like I am throwing all caution to the wind.

I’m still on full GAPS.

I guess I am having issue with something someone told me by email. They told me that the only reason I am losing weight is because I am consuming less calories. We were briefly discussing that book Good Calories, Bad Calories. And during the correspondence the person told me a calorie is a calorie, that my body knows no difference. So I think that is bothering me quite a bit. Because if that is the case, then I do need to cut down on fruit and the candy-like treats I make for myself sometimes. And maybe I need to eat less butter.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just in a recuperative state and need more calories. My pants were a little snug last week, but not tight, and they still fit just fine.

On another subject altogether, my mom is talking more and more about doing GAPS. She really wants to see if she can feel better like I have been. She has changed quite a few things: she has given up artificial sweeteners, margarine, bad oils like soybean oil, mayonnaise made with bad oils, and a few others that I can’t remember right now.

My mom used to have this terrible tickle in her throat and she has to carry water and artificially sweetened cough drops with her everywhere she went. She would get this terrible cough. So she found out that two things were causing that tickle in her throat. Number one, she found that soybean oil was doing it. And she tried to start having butter instead of margarine and found that she is sensitive to dairy products. When she got of all soy she then found that having butter would cause her to have that tickle in her throat.

And, my mom’s feet have stopped hurting, too! For years and years she would only wear these certain Nike sandals all year round because they were soft and cushion-y and her feet wouldn’t hurt when she wore them. So now she finally noticed her feet are no longer hurting. She thinks it is because of going off the soybean oil.

She is still eating her buckwheat pancakes. But she is now trying to eliminate the lunchmeat she has been eating by having chicken and vegetables instead. She’s very careful about everything she eats as she doesn’t want to gain weight. She is very afraid that she has an eating disorder that will get out of control. But I think she may find that she doesn’t have an eating disorder at all, it may just be gut dysbiosis.

One more thing. I killed my water kefir grains AND my milk kefir grains. While I was gone on vacation they neither one were changed into new water/milk for about a week. And it just did them in. So I took my last frozen baggy of kefir grains out of the freezer and we’ll see if I can revive this other half like I did earlier in the year.

Well, it is after 10pm. Long past my bedtime. I took a two hour nap today so that is probably why I’m still awake.

‘Night.