Day 284 – What a Roller Coaster Weekend!

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I mentioned that my husband went to visit a family friend the last time I posted… well, he ended up staying four days in very bad conditions. No electricity and no running water, very sporadic cell phone reception, and no car charger to charge the steadily decreasing cell phone battery.

I am so grateful and thankful that I started on GAPS nine months ago. I am sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that I would have been a basket case this weekend, had it not been for all the changes that have occurred in my body from doing GAPS. My nerves are so much better, I don't feel anxiety or depression. I am thinking more clearly. I feel like a different person.

My mom knows how I have been for many years, and she was quite worried about me over the weekend, certain that I was freaking out. My mother in law knows about my normally fragile disposition; heck, even my boss was shocked when I told her what transpired over the weekend, without breaking down in tears.

Not one tear was shed this past weekend.

Thank God for GAPS! Thank you Dr. Campbell-McBride for all your hard work, and for your book. Thank you Baden for your GAPS Guide and thank you to the GAPS list which has been so supportive and encouraging.

I'll let you in on just a little more of the background story… see my husband used to be an alcoholic and we went through some bad times during our first marriage many years ago. He's been sober and steady for years, he had to prove himself before I could give him a second chance. In our first marriage, he used to take off for days at a time. And it would freak me out because my father used to do the same thing when I was a young child. Eventually my dad left for good, and I ended up with all these abandonment issues. I used to think that I would always have these abandonment issues.

I never imagined that changing my diet would stop cold the dysfunctional thinking. I mean, I used to think the best I could do was to self-talk myself into not thinking that way. I did not know how powerful the poisons and toxins in my body were at affecting my thought process.

With my husband gone for four days, naturally some thoughts crept into my brain.

But, here's the “psychology” part of GAPS at work… the logical part of my brain was able to stay in charge. One of the gals on the GAPS list explained it so well, she described it as the brain getting stuck into a negative loop. I totally know what she meant by that, because I used to live it. I would try to stop thinking negatively, but I would just spiral into it. This time, when the negative thoughts began, I was able to push them away.

Another thing happened this weekend, which prior to GAPS really would have put me into a bad place, especially considering the stress I was experiencing due to my husband's impromptu “vacation”. I let one of our cats go outside, and he didn't come back in the next morning as he has been doing for weeks. We didn't let him out for years because we didn't want him to get killed and in the last few months my husband and son started letting him go out and cats turn so obnoxious once they've had a taste of the outdoors. He even taught himself how to ring the bell that hangs on the door handle and he would sit there meowing loudly and obnoxiously.

So as I was saying, I noticed that he had not come inside, and it turned out to be a very hot day. I thought perhaps he was sleeping under our house where it is very cool.

When I saw a vulture swooping down near the side of our property I had a bad feeling. I had to go find out if it was our kitty, and sadly, it was.

Nine months ago, I would have tortured myself (not on purpose!) with a loop of terrible accusations, “It's your fault, you killed him! You let him out!” and it would have escalated with all the times I've lost pets in my past. That's what always ysed to happen. I would get “triggered”. But this time, I was able to stay steady. My mom reassured me in her experience cats begin to have health issues at his age, so it was probably better that he go quickly instead of languish sickly for years. That made sense. And what could I do? The mistake was made. There was no sense to torturing myself over something I could not change.

Nine months ago, none of that logic would have helped one iota. I would have been bawling and feeling horrible and guilty. And I probably would have driven to where my husband was just to make sure he was okay.

I did start losing it a little bit on Sunday night, and I sent him a text message (knowing full well he had little to no reception) asking him why he was still gone. But I stopped myself when I started writing a short novel text to him about how I was going to go to some family member's house one weekend and not call him and see how he likes it. That's irrational, I know, but those thoughts came to me. The important thing is I was able to stop those thoughts.

You know what? I didn't take Kava Kava even one time!

There is a part of me that says, “You have grown heartless,” or maybe I'm worse than emotional, I'm emotion-less.

No. It's just that my brain isn't stuck in an anxious loop constantly thinking bad thoughts. I used to try to stop thinking negatively. I tried very desperately hard. I even had myself convinced that I wasn't thinking negatively and I wasn't depressed. But looking back, I was depressed. Perhaps not “clinically” depressed, but I certainly had no joy in living.

And I just can't say enough how very glad I am to have given GAPS a chance.

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2 thoughts on “Day 284 – What a Roller Coaster Weekend!

  1. A truly inspirational post, Starlene. I’m dealing with amped up anxiety right now and reading your words reassures me there will be an end in sight. Thank you GAPS!

    I’m very sorry about your kitty. Listen to you mom, good advice, take care.

  2. Oh Kelly, I’m sorry you are having anxiety!! You are always so encouraging to me in reminding me that I bounce back quickly from these things, so I hope the same will happen for you. Hang in there! Thanks for the condolences. Best, Starlene

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