I remember mentioning feeling down in previous posts.
The last few days have been worse and last night I decided to take Kava-Kava.
I was able to get plenty of sleep this weekend, but I suspect in addition to the shortage of sleep, I'm being affected by the carbohydrates I've gotten back into consuming.
I keep forgetting that I'm not avoiding carbs simply because they make me hungrier and affect weight loss. I keep losing focus and some part of my brain thinks I'm just on a diet to lose weight. I find myself thinking that once I lose the weight I want to lose I'll be able to go back to eating “normal” foods but honestly, I don't think I will be able to. I am affected so much by too many carbohydrates. I am really sensitive to them.
It's never been about losing weight, but it is one of the perks, so it is hard to put that aside. Tomorrow is the first day of the month, and I'm terrified that I've gained five or ten pounds. That in itself is depressing, although I wish it weren't.
On Thursday my husband and I had some words, and I ended up in tears. I'm usually pretty tired by Thursday as I keep getting less than seven hours sleep (sometimes only five or six) on the nights of the days that I work.
I also have been feeling really crappy about not being able to do GAPS totally correctly, meaning grass fed meat and organic vegetables, fruit, butter, etc. I can't afford it.
No one I know personally in real life, can afford to eat organic foods. It's as if GAPS is a diet for the wealthy and elite. But I still believe you can heal with food, even if it is not the elite and supreme organic foods. I am living proof.
Yes, I'm having a bit of a hitch right now, but I think this is due to my eating too many carbohydrates again.
Also there is a lot going on that is making me sad.
One huge thing… we have finally made the decision to get rid of our dairy goats. I have stubbornly kept my small herd for way too long. I am trying to be thankful that I know of someone who will take them for us, and put them work. Goats are livestock. Their job is to procreate and produce milk and meat. I know this. I can't even drink the milk. My husband can't. My oldest son cannot. So it is ridiculous to keep paying for them.
Part of my motivation in getting rid of the goats at this time is because my husband's businesses are very slow and we are unable to take the monthly draw that we can normally take each month. So not only am I unable to afford organic foods, I am trying to find a way to withstand a $1000 shortage each month. Last month my husband found that the tires on his company vehicle were the wrong size and was able the tires replaced. We put aside money each month for new tires for all our vehicles, because we do so much driving and so I was able to pull from that account to cover the shortage. This month our auto insurance is $300 less than it was previously and I had saved $600 for the next squeeze load of hay. This will almost make up that missing $1000. Hopefully my husband's businesses will sort out in the next month. Otherwise I'm not sure where else I will be able to come up with money to cover that draw.
Having money problems is depressing, too.
Feeling like a failure because I don't eat organics is depressing.
I feel like I need to hurry up and get happy or I'm going to lose any readers I have here. I hate being in a depressive funk. I'm sorry to everyone.
I did take a detox bath today with Epsom salts, I hope that helped. But I also was fiercely craving carbs and had a terrible concoction shared on the GAPShelp list today. I say terrible, because I probably consumed 2000 calories and I got a bellyache.
I am sure tomorrow will be better.
I would like to share this link to a recent podcast by T.S. Wiley, the author of Lights Out.
I am sure I will feel better about getting rid of our goats once they are finally gone. I will probably shed a few more tears, but once it is over, I am sure I will just feel better and better about it. It is hard to work a long day, drive 60-90 minutes to get home, and still have to go outside and throw hay, water and milk. As our hot weather comes, I switch milking to mornings, which means I have to get up half an hour earlier. It is already nearly impossible for me to get up at 4am, but having to get up at 3:30am is even harder.
I'm sorry my posts of late have been so down. I'm truly sorry. But I have to be honest here. I am sure I will figure out what is wrong eventually. Sometimes I wonder will I ever be happy again? What would it take for me to be happy again? Or am I just a somber joyless person, is that just my nature?