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People don't understand tiredness. They understand, “I'm on chemotherapy for cancer and I'm worn out tired.” They understand, “I have chronic fatigue syndrome.”
But I don't have a diagnosis. It's a good thing I don't have many close friends because that would drain me too much. I have one friend that I used to hang out with, and then I moved, and then she moved, and now we live about sixy miles away from each other. She's visually impaired, so she doesn't drive. And there is no public transportation out here. I feel guilty that I never make the time to go into town and spend time with her. We tried to get together on our birthdays for a few years, but then I got even more tired.
I was talking to my mother-in-law on Sunday morning just a little bit about this “diet”. She was fairly understanding about, having just recently talked to someone on a diet that will cause “die off”. She told that I should not discount all that I'm doing, working, taking care of Eldest Son. She said taking care of Eldest Son alone is a full time caretaker job, so I should be tired! She asked if I had taken any type of vitamins specifically to help with my energy level. I haven't, but I don't feel like it's going to do any good if my diet has wrong foods in it.
I have thought about that – I should be tired for all that I do.
I have this one friend she lives in an assisted living complex. She and her husband are visually impaired, and they are independent, but they can go downstairs to the dining room and choose from several meals for lunch and dinner. They have no pets. Their place is one bedroom and pretty small, so not a lot of home to keep straightened up. They don't have a car, or the expenses of a car. And I think sometimes, it must be nice to have nothing to do.
And I think… maybe that is the problem. Maybe I just have too much stuff on my plate. But I know how it feels to have a day where I feel like I have some energy to get something done. It's a great feeling to feel alive and energetic and happy.
So when I think it's just that I have too much to do, I find myself thinking well this is just how it's going to be. I'm going to be worn out and tired all the time. It's normal.
When I think it's normal, I'm less inclined to do anything about it, but passively accept the tiredness.
I feel guilty about not going to church. We go to a church that is an hour's drive away. So when I go to church, all I have the energy to do for the day is get dressed, go to church and when I get home, take a nap. And then it's time to start the week all over. So I don't go to church. I used to tell myself, there is this other lady that is tired and worn out like me. But she doesn't have to work. And yes, she has three children and she homeschools, but she has them help her with a great deal of the housework. If I didn't have to work, maybe I could find the energy to go to church. Our pastor will say he knows how it is to be tired, he has to get up at 4:30am, and he still has Bible study in the evenings. But he also doesn't have to drive an hour to get home. He can leave and be home in 15 minutes and asleep within half an hour. He can still get 8 hours sleep and get up by 4:30am.
Anyway, I'm really glad I don't have any friends who want to spend time with me.
My poor family learned years ago that I have no energy to spend with them. I have a niece that is going to be 16, and I'm supposed to hang out with them on her birthday. I don't know if I'll be able to. Especially since I'm on this “diet”.
I need to ask my husband or Youngest Son to glance at the scale so I can get my weight recorded.
Anyway, I just wanted to write about how it's hard when people don't understand how tired I am.