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Something I have loved about GAPS is that I'd stopped overeating. So I don't know what's gotten into me because the last two days I've eaten so much food at dinner that my stomach is hurting.
I did that for years and years and years… maybe even for most of my life, up until I started on GAPS. And then, miraculously, I stopped overeating. After years of trying and failing, over and again, by going on GAPS I was able to stop.
I used to ask myself, “Why are you eating to the point where your stomach is hurting? Why are punishing yourself in this way?” Because it feels like punishment to be so full that your stomach hurts. Now that I've done it two nights in a row, I wonder why am I starting this behavior again. I thought it was carbohydrates doing it to me, but tonight I pigged out on beef. It was a London Broil that I cut into thin slices, then small cubes and fried in butter. I tried to wait to eat a meal, but I was so hungry that I kept eating little bites that turned into spoonful after spoonful. It was delicious.
I had planned to, and was cooking onions to go with my cubed beef, and my husband bought me roasted green chilies, so I was planning to have those together with an avocado and tomato and hot sauce. It sounded really yummy and that was my plan. But I kept eating the beef.
I also was steaming beets… my husband bought me ten beets and I wanted to get them cooked so I don't forget about them. I also had 3/4 of a large beet with butter and salt.
But I mostly pigged out on the beef.
Last night I pigged out on vegetables! Stir fry! It was as if I couldn't stop myself. I just kept taking bites again and again.
This may or may not be related. I have been testing out a theory of using hydro-cortisone 1% cream for stress relief and depression. I am putting a dab about the size of a pea on my wrists and rubbing it in. It seems that on the days I have used the hydro-cortisone I become voraciously hungry. I felt depressed on the way to work yesterday morning, mostly because I feel as if I will never get caught up, and will always be running behind. I can't continue to run two months behind in the electronic accounting or my supervisor will never stop doing the manual accounting (which she really could care less if we ever do electronic accounting but the higher management wants it, so I must try to catch up).
Anyway, I had noticed on two separate days when I used the hydro-cortisone, I became voraciously hungry. The hunger reminded me of being on Prednisone, extreme, wild hunger. Shoveling food in my mouth with big spoonfuls. Ironically, the hunger on Prednisone reminds me of the hunger I felt while pregnant with my sons.
I thought the hydro-cortisone was causing the wild hunger, so I stopped using it. The hunger subsided. But then I decided yesterday morning, since I felt despondent, to try using the hydro-cortisone again, because it does indeed help me to feel better. I guess the idea is it supplies cortisol to the adrenals.
I paid close attention to my hunger levels yesterday and it seemed I was wrong about the hydro-cortisone. But then I made dinner, stir fry and could not stop eating until my stomach was so full that I felt awful.
And I did not use the hydro-cortisone today, but here I am again, stuffed to the gills, and uncomfortable as can be.
What is going on with me?
I have been wearing dresses all month long because I became distressed at wearing the new size 8 jeans. They were just too uncomfortable. It felt torturous to wear them.
I decided to wear my pretty dresses because they are pretty and make me look pretty, and not to mention they make me look professional.
I actually was feeling better and wanted to dress nicely.
Goodness, a lot has been going on that I have not been blogging about. My husband and I went on a romantic weekend getaway, which I hope to blog about in a day or two. That was very good to relax. I was not stressed out even once all weekend long. But I also ate a lot of fruit. Because what else do you do on “vacation” or staying a hotel but “do” food?! And I cannot eat out at restaurants very easily, so my “treat” was fruit. Blackberries, honeydew melon, red grapes, green grapes. And I kicked up a bunch of cravings for myself, so Monday I stopped eating fruit.
But now I'm pigging out like crazy on meat! I thought of what Dr. Natasha said about overeating… and I thought how she said to not eat once the food doesn't taste good (she said that, didn't she?) and finally I did come to a point where the beef did not taste good, but it was after my stomach was stuffed!
I am not sure what to do with myself.
I wonder if I am just getting too hungry? I am trying to limit myself to eating three meals a day. Maybe I need to incorporate some smaller meals in between for a while.
And I got all stressed out about the adrenal test. At first I was excited to get the cream, but the doctor prescribed a huge protocol with expensive vitamins and supplements. I think it might have cost around $500 a month for all the things he wanted me to go on! I don't have that kind of money! And I am now stuck with my head in the sand over that.
I… lots of “I” “I” “I” in this post… I need to go to bed now.
I wish I was like my husband… who does not have an eating disorder, but if he overeats, he just sticks his fingers down his throat and pukes. I can't do that. If it's in my stomach, it's staying there. Even if I'm sick with a stomach ache, and I know vomiting is inevitable, I still can't make myself puke. I have to wait and let nature take its course.
My stomach hurts. I hope I haven't reverted back to stuffing myself like I used to.
Oh, one more thing I just remembered… my husband bought these pork tenderloins that were seasoned from the grocery store, sealed in the bag and all kinds of illegals, like sugar, dextrose, seasonings, probably MSG, and my son cooked two of them on Monday night, and I ate them.
I wonder if the illegals could be causing me problems for two days.
I guess I will just go to bed. I am so tired but my belly is so hurtful. 🙁